Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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