If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
