She is in my trunk
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
