I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
