i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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