I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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