im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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