Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
