I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
