i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
