those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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