I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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