there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
