I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
