chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
