the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
