Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
