It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
