I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
