I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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