it's too hot outside to masturbate.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
