You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
