Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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