I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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