When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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