You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
