ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
