There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
