It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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