this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
