At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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