you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
