Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
