Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
