Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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