All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
