If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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