Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
