Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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