he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
