At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize
