I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
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I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
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Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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