I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
