can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
