She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
