my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
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the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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