Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
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