I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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