I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Randomize
