You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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