Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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