Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Randomize
