Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
