My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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