oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
