Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
